Lynda Carlyle, as a Sex and Relationship Therapist, Counsellor and Sexologist has contributed articles for a number of different publications and media platforms. There will be regular rotations of these articles displayed below with the addition of new ones when available.
About last night (reduced ejaculatory volume)
Q: I'm a healthy male (aged 55) who exercises regularly, doesn't smoke, carries no extra weight and who's been doing Kegel exercises for 10 years. My wife and I have always enjoyed a pleasurable and interesting sex life. Although the frequency and strength of my orgasm isn't affected, recently I've noticed that I produce less ejaculate I've searched online, but have found no real information. Joan says it's just ageing, but I'm worried it could be benign prostate enlargement (or worse). I've heard about pills for increasing ejaculate. Any ideas?
A: As we age, many of us do notice changes in how our bodies respond sexually. It is always wise to get a medical opinion about such changes, but it is also a good idea to be willing to work around those changes that are a natural part of the ageing process. Melbourne sex therapist Lynda Carlyle is a registered nurse who specialises in male sexual function (lyndacarlyle.com). I asked her about your inquiry, and she started by observing that, "It sounds like things are going really well here. He sounds fit, is still having pleasurable, meaningful and interesting sex with his wife, has strong erections and pleasurable, frequent, strong ejaculations. Just like hanging a wet towel off his erection, this may be a 'those were the days' kind of thing that he has to learn to reminisce about, once he stops grieving."
She goes on to explain the medical facts. "Many studies show that somewhere around half of healthy men over 50, and up to three quarters with benign prostatic hypertrophy (BPH) complain of reduced semen/ejaculatory volume. It is significantly associated with advancing age, prostatic disease, obesity and erectile dysfunction, as well as diabetes, depression, vascular disease, drug use and poor health. Other risk factors include decreased thinking about sex, a non-committed or non-exclusive relationship; relationship concerns, and less frequent sexual encounters."
Fortunately, very few of these risk factors appear to apply to your situation. However, Carlyle suggests that, "As he is worried, he should mention it to his GP and have a prostate check, and maybe see a urologist."
Carlyle says that, having eliminated any sinister causes for this decline, "There are some options he could explore to see if he can build up a better semen volume: He could masturbate daily but only choose to ejaculate every week or so. Some people go for a month!"
Human sexuality is not an exact science. You are unlikely to be advised to use fish-slapping, or crystals to treat a broken leg, or a tumour, but Carlyle says it is possible to get positive results from alternative, "sacred sex" practices.
"He could explore tantric or Taoist practices to teach him how to cultivate and build up his sexual energy."
Being a motivated person, you might learn from Mantak Chia's classic text, Taoist Secrets of Love: Cultivating Male Sexual Energy.
Carlyle continues, "He might consciously simmer sexual thoughts and daydreams during the day. Explore prostate stimulation or massage with his wife, or buy a prostate massaging device. Even 'edging' a few times during sex or masturbation, where he gets close to ejaculation and then backs off for a bit might help."
Unless your doctor offered medication for this, it is almost certainly not worth seeking out commercial pills and potions to increase your volume of ejaculate.
After being in the sex industry for more than 20 years, I can assure you that the majority of products that claim to harden, enlarge, stimulate, arouse, or otherwise improve sexual function are, at best, gimmicky rubbish with as much value as most dietary supplements, or, at worse, unregulated and untested concoctions that could even cause harm.
At the end of the day, it is important that you do not worry about this. Stress and worry are the worst things for destroying sexual pleasure. Enjoy your relationship, and the fabulous sex life you already have. Your strong relationship is your playground. Foster it, and you can continue to enjoy sexual intimacy for many years.
By Maureen Matthews, 6 May 2018
https://www.theage.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/m05aboutlastnight-20180430-h0zfno.html
Lynda Carlyle
Premature Ejaculation
“My partner is finding it difficult to “go the distance”. I love him, but it is proving frustrating. What can we do?”
A Reality check: for about 52 per cent of men, game time lasts three to five minutes. In interviews with more than 10,000 men, Kinsey found an average of two minutes. Acceptable in the 1950s but not now. Women demand pleasure.
We have created unrealistic expectations but feel an entitlement to sexual mastery. Not everyone will play A-grade. For most people, it takes a while to become good at sex. We’re hopeful we’ll bag 10 on debut, but the reality is most of us will get a few touches and walk away wondering if we were in the right position.
The automatic decision-making that helps you decide in the heat of the moment whether to kick or handpass usually comes later — with awareness, confidence and experience.
Why do we expect to have control and precision automatically with sex when we have to earn it with hours of practise in other things?
I’m not saying it’s not frustrating for a woman when the final siren goes and you’re just warming up — it is!
But seven out of 10 women won’t hear the roar of the crowd without adequate “finessing” outside the main corridor. Lasting longer alone isn’t going to change that much.
Investigate solutions together. Books, internet and regular practise can give clues to success. See a professional for some specialist skills coaching if you’re having difficulty. My point is be kind; support and assist. Confidence and belief play a huge role.
With all things sexual, weigh your words carefully to bolster, not erode confidence.
Lynda Carlyle
Sex and Intimacy after Prostate Cancer
Prostate cancer is the second most common cancer in men (after skin cancer), with around 12,000 new cases diagnosed each year. Men’s overall risk of contracting prostate cancer before the age of 74 is 1 in 11.
There are 3 main treatments for prostate cancer; a surgical Radical Prostatectomy, pelvic brachytherapy (the implanting of radioactive seeds in the prostate), and hormone treatment that deprives the cancer of the testosterone that feeds its growth.
Prostate cancer treatment damages nerves and blood vessels, so getting aroused can take much longer, orgasm may feel different and ejaculation may be different or missing. It may affect the rigidity of erections, how long the erections last and the ability to get an erection in the first place.
Diagnosis alone can cause erection difficulties. 70-90% of men have erection problems for some time after treatment and up to 80% of survivors continue to have ED (erectile dysfunction) in the following years.
In addition, concerns about incontinence, fatigue, depression, the cancer recurring and a lack of sexual desire make sexuality a huge challenge for survivors and their partners.
Delving deeper than the obvious mechanical changes, research by Barbara Bokhour in 2001 identified 4 areas affected by erectile dysfunction that impact on quality of life.
The quality of sexual intimacy
Without reliable erections, men feel anxious about their ability to satisfy themselves and their partner sexually. They feel hesitant to initiate emotional and physical intimacy, as in the past this usually led to intercourse, now a potentially awkward and embarrassing experience. What was once comfortable and familiar can feel unnatural if they have to use artificial assistance to achieve erections.
Relationships with Women
Erectile dysfunction also affects the way in which men relate to women outside their intimate relationship. Where previously they would have been aware of the potential for sexual intimacy with women they met, that loss of potential now defines him and those interactions as non-sexual. Even though they might not have been actively pursuing a relationship, there had been a sexual undercurrent; the absence of that element in their everyday social interactions with women compounds a lack of confidence.
Sexual Imaginings
Part of being a man means being aroused by the sight of an attractive woman and fantasy is a part of most men’s everyday lives. There is a profound sense of loss that they can no longer imagine themselves as potential sexual partners and this is enhanced by a distressing lack of physical or emotional arousal. Many experience nostalgic feelings and a deep sense of loss over the demise of this small ordinary pleasure, even those who weren’t sexually active at the time of diagnosis. “It’s a capacity you’ve had all your life and then it’s gone.”
Masculinity
These changes undermine men’s masculine identities. The inability to connect with women sexually and the knowledge that they’ve lost their sexual capabilities leads to a diminished sense of oneself as a whole man. Sexuality is seen as a substantial part of what defines an individual as a man and men who have lost sexual functioning find themselves challenged to redefine themselves as masculine in our society. The ability to project self confidence depends on that underlying sexual capability.
As men have a tendency to do, many suffer these feelings in silence, not knowing how to talk to their wives or peers about it, and not seeking help from their doctors. Their wives feel bewildered and powerless; their husband’s have survived the disease but have withdrawn from them. They don’t want to pressure but mourn the loss of intimacy.
Orgasm is possible without an erection or an ejaculation, a fact often met with scepticism. For many men, an act without penetration and erection is not sex. Their partners say it’s not the lack of penetrative sex but the shutdown of sexual intimacy and sensual touch that they miss so much.
It is common to feel helpless but there are many avenues for assistance. Approach your doctor. They can give information about support groups for survivors who have experienced the same things. The Cancer Council (at least in Victoria) can also refer you if you phone them. Seeing a sex therapist can help you reconnect with your partner to rediscover sex and intimacy. This can be a golden opportunity for couples to work together toward a much better sex life for both of them.
As always, wishing you happiness and great sex
Lynda Carlyle
Dealing with low libido
Low libido can affect both men and women; in fact, it is normal to experience an ebb and flow in your level of desire for sex throughout life. Managing differences in libido between partners is inevitable in almost every relationship. It is the most common problem seen by sex therapists.
Desire originates in the brain and nervous system but is influenced by hormones, particularly testosterone, your physical well-being (or lack of it!), personal well-being (incorporating what you think & feel, your lifestyle and environment) and relationship well-being. Desire can be defined as interest in sex, lust, or hunger for sex.
Low desire can be caused by depression, sexual performance anxiety after a failure to perform, exhaustion from working long and/or stressful hours, guilt around sex after a strict upbringing, couples with limited sexual information and experience, and can even be found among singles who have difficulty finding a partner or fear catching an STI.
Many women have several roles the professional or worker, housewife, mother, daughter, friend, and lover. This last role seems to fade away as the demands of others increase. Early in a life, a woman has fewer of these roles: she may be only a worker and a daughter. In later years, she will have more roles to contend with: she may be a mother and homemaker as well. For many women it seems that, as the responsibility of roles increases, the importance of the lover role diminishes.
Low desire should always be looked at as a couple’s problem. If we look at a bell curve that represents normal levels of desire, it is just as normal to have low desire as it is to be highly sexed; they are on either end of the scale, with the majority of the population falling somewhere in the middle. Mostly people seek help when there are mismatched levels of desire in the relationship.
Desire discrepancy is a very common problem among couples. The lower drive partner feels pressured and guilty for withholding sex and the higher drive partner feels frustrated and deprived. Things are impaired further by poor sexual knowledge and techniques, relationship conflicts and inadequate communication.
So what can you do?
Desire flourishes when things are good, physically and emotionally, and you feel happy in your relationship. On the other hand, if your relationship is tumultuous or you are in poor health and dealing with too many stresses, desire can become non-existent.
Re-examine expectations of what constitutes good sex. Changing beliefs that achieving goals such as penetration and orgasm is of prime importance can take the pressure off both partners.
Performance anxiety can intensify sexual insecurity so discuss strategies to try to minimise its impact. Lighten up! Remember when sex was fun? Try and schedule a few fun activities with your lover each week. It’s amazing how sexy laughing makes you feel.
Fortunately for women, desire and arousal can happen independently of each other. That is, even if you don’t feel particularly hot to trot, you can still get turned on and enjoy sex if you’re willing to be sexual. Browse through Sassy Vibes amazing range of toys if you think some of their wonders of modern technology might help you warm up.
A man with low libido should try to be relaxed enough to accept sex play from his partner without the focus being on his erection. Foreplay is still enjoyable using alternate means to satisfy his partner and, in doing so, he might become fully aroused. If not, the tables may turn when he is more relaxed, his testosterone levels are higher or when he is excited by a situation or fantasy.
Fantasy is a seriously under-rated way to improve desire for both sexes. Choose to think sexual thoughts a few times a day. Have a positive anticipation about your next sexual encounter leading up to it. If you have difficulty imagining arousing scenarios, read erotic fiction, like novels by Nancy Friday, to provide inspiration. Remember, sexual fantasies are just thoughts; they are not a sexual wish list. So let your imagination run wild! Often the naughtier fantasies are the ones that bring the highest arousal.
Make a commitment to bring sensuality back into your life. In the same way as you decide to schedule regular exercise or watch your favourite TV show, prioritize time with your partner to talk, touch and reestablish your connection. Plan a few hours of “you” time – you deserve it.
Most couples usually accommodate desire discrepancy by compromising. With love, trust and respect they can reach mutual agreement. If your idea of a great time is different to your partners, talk about ways you can meet in the middle or take turns to explore your suggestions.
If you are have mismatched desire, if it’s affecting your relationship and if you are having difficulties resolving things yourselves, you could benefit from seeing a sex therapist.
Wishing you happiness and great sex
Lynda Carlyle
Can’t Orgasm Now
Herald Sun, 2009
“I’m frustrated because I can’t seem to reach orgasm any more. It’s been over a year. What’s happened to me?”
Changes to arousability may be gradual or sudden. People often mistakenly expect to be sexual machines, able to perform at their peak at all times and under any conditions, but we’re humans and can be affected by life’s hiccups and challenges.
Has something created stress and anxiety in your life? Things like starting a new job or difficulties finding a place to live can impact on our ability to get turned on. Strong emotions can cancel out sexual arousal for some women.
If your life feels like it’s become dull and boring, it can spill over into your sexual enjoyment. Have you forgotten how to have fun, in bed and out? Has lovemaking taken on a serious tone rather than a playful one? Routine, predictable sex may also lead to difficulties.
It follows that when sex is routine and life is busy, women tend to think less positively about sex. At the end of a busy day, often the last thing on your mind is long luxurious lovemaking, which can tempt you to cull foreplay down to a no-frills version. Eventually this is bound to have an effect.
Painful sex can also make orgasm difficult. Maybe you’ve been a little dry and proceed to sex before you’re ready. There can be numerous causes but the end result is that pain distracts you from arousal and the anticipation of pain can make you anxious. See your GP if sex is uncomfortable.
.Changes to health can also influence responsiveness. Some medical conditions and medications can challenge not only the physical abilities of the body to become highly aroused, they may affect psychological arousal, self image and energy levels.
Examine influences that might be keeping you from reaching orgasm. Change what you can. Schedule time to wind down before lovemaking and get your mind and body more focussed on your sexual turn ons. Invest in yourself.
Lynda Carlyle
Brazilian or Bush
Herald Sun, 2009
“I’ve always done Brazilian waxes but my current partner has asked me to stop. What the?”
The waxing craze is so prolific, it can feel as though you must succumb or risk a new partner recoiling in horror when you reveal a natural undergrowth. Many women now don’t even see it as a sexual thing, it’s just another part of the monthly maintenance regime.
We have been re-conditioned to change our view of what’s appropriate coverage in the last decade. Virtually all adult actresses and models are waxed, and since they’re the only other ones we see, we think that’s what ours should look like. What started as a high bikini wax when bathers became briefer, evolved to “landing strips,” then hearts and lightening bolts, to ticklers, before finally the hairless look took over. It’s pruning gone wild.
Fans of the Brazilian find the smooth, soft feel divine, both for the feeler and the feel-ee. Some think it’s cleaner, although pubic hair is a filter that catches foreign particles and protects the delicate internal area, so this is a myth. Enthusiasts of oral sex suggest that waxing negates the problem of a stray curly finding it’s way to the back of the throat.
Why is it that some aren’t so keen on the bare trend? One reason is that now natural shrubbery is a little rare and unusual, suggesting paradoxically that fashion seeks something different. Another is the appeal that it’s the way a real woman should look. Many people are uncomfortable that a preference for the bald look implies an attraction to pre-pubescents.
A friend of mine just loves an untamed thicket – the wilder, the better. Some like the hedge trimmed a little, some the look of perfectly manicured turf. We don’t think it’s strange that we all have different preferences for men’s facial hair. Apply the same principle and find out what appeals to your partner, don’t just blindly follow the crowd.
Lynda Carlyle
A Lover That Looks
Herald Sun, 2009
“My lover seems to check out every hot young thing that passes us by. Should I be worried?”
Of the five senses, sight for many is the most powerful. It provides an instant surge of arousal. Men are especially visual creatures, which is why nudity and porn can be particularly appealing.
Walk down Chapel St or St Kilda on a warm day. Skin city! Billboards and magazines show six packs and perfect bodies. Movies, television, the music business and the adult industry all capitalise on our fascination with flesh.
Culture also influences things. Simplified, a Pakistani woman once told me that the veil is worn to protect men from the most titillating area, the back of the neck. Having recectly spent time in Egypt, which I knew was a conservative country, I was unprepared for the scrutiny, especially since I was in a resort area.
Compare that to a young lady in Sweden yesterday, whose mini was so short her cheeks were on show. In the context of a Muslim society, it shows how much westerners have become desensitised to the power of skin. We are a multicultural society – imagine what it’s like coming into our feast of exposure.
My point is, temptations are unavoidable. Our culture particularly values youth and beauty so flaunting what you have is the easiest way to be noticed, be it personally or commercially.
Accept the things you cannot change. It is natural to look. Issues usually arise for two reasons – either you feel your partner is putting you down by making unfair comparisons or they are looking to trade you in. Evaluate and if it is harmless, don’t take it on. Compare it to them enjoying a beautiful work of art.
Solution? Join them in a game that can provide all day foreplay for you both. Start window shopping for yourself or notice what attracts your partner’s gaze and point out suitable eye candy. Have confidence in yourself, your partner and your relationship and join in the fun.
Lynda Carlyle
Negative Anticipation
Herald Sun, 2009
Whenever my partner suggests sex, I cringe, even though I quite enjoy it when we do it. How can I change this?
When you get into the habit of thinking negatively about sex, you often forget about the pleasurable aspects of being intimate. Sex should be about pleasuring, not just another chore on the list. Make it so.
What’s the first thought that pops into your head at the suggestion of an amorous liaison? Can’t be bothered? Too tired? Rack off – you’ve been an a-hole today? Obviously thinking this way is hardly going to ignite the flames of passion.
Try not to leave sex for leftovers – leftover time and energy. Plan time to relax beforehand and practice creating a positive anticipation around intimacy. Read some erotica; watch that hot love scene from your favourite movie; pamper yourself. Wear sexy undies that day, just for you.
Try and get into a positive frame of mind and tap into your sensuous side, perhaps by treating yourself to a luxurious bath, complete with candles, glass of wine and lashings of body lotion. While you soak, come up with some pleasant thoughts about sex.
Perhaps you like the warm feeling you get when you’re snuggling together afterwards. Maybe you enjoy pashing like a teenager every now and then – many couples forget the bliss of a soft and playful kiss. Or does if feel nice when your lover lightly strokes your back?
Use this thought the moment a negative idea automatically jumps into your head, at the hint of sex. Substitute one thought…… that’s it. Just one thought at the crucial moment. So when you think “no, I really can’t be bothered“, change it to “hmm, I do love the cuddles afterwards“.
If you have a belief that things won’t change, guess what? They won’t. But just as you can talk yourself out of enjoying sex, you can also think yourself into it. Sound too easy? You’ll be surprised.
Lynda Carlyle
Is Sex Addiction Real?
Herald Sun, 2009
Is sex addiction real or just an easy excuse for bad behaviour?
When people ask if Sex Addiction is real, I answer: yes and no. It might be easier to understand if you separate ‘novice’ from ‘advanced’ sex addicts. Novices con themselves that they can get away with infidelity. In my experience, serial cheaters always get caught eventually. Call it a lack of morals or values, it is not sex addiction.
Advanced addicts are no different to those addicted to drugs, alcohol, gambling and food. Sex is used as a way to self-medicate and escape from the pain in their lives which they find too difficult or upsetting to face.
Sex addiction has increased dramatically over the past decade, the reason being technology. The Internet provides immediate, inexpensive and anonymous access, and caters to any sexual preference. It is available anywhere, to anyone with a computer or mobile phone!
Men usually become addicted to Internet porn and sex workers, while women favour chat rooms and dating sites. Fewer women than men seek help, perhaps because they consider it to be dating or socialising.
Warning signals that you might have a sex (or other type of) addiction include needing an increased amount or more intense stimulation to get the same “hit”, a history of unsuccessful attempts to eliminate or reduce usage, and a substantial amount of time and affection being taken away from loved ones.
There is good news for both novice and advanced sex addicts. For the advanced addict, as with any addiction, professional help is available just try to find a therapist specializing specifically in sex addiction.
For the novice, there is always the possibility that when you get caught you will wake up and recognise the benefits of giving yourself fully to one person – knowing that someone trusts you completely and whom you can have equal confidence in. Nothing comes close to an honest, open, trusting relationship.
Lynda Carlyle
“No” When She Initiates
“It seems my boyfriend only wants sex when he initiates – if I flirt or take the lead he makes excuses. Why does he do this?”
It’s a myth that all men are ready for sex, 24 hours a day. Some have definate ideas about gender roles and find an assertive woman aggressive. It may create pressure to perform. For men who have experienced sexual abuse, feeling in control can be vital.
Some men can’t combine love and sex, also known as the Madonna / Whore syndrome. They don’t subscribe to the belief “A lady in public and a seductress in the bedroom”. They want a goddess at home and look elsewhere to satisfy their wild side. See a professional if this rings true.
It may be much simpler, such as bad timing. If you initiate when he is heavily into his favourite show, watching the footy or cricket, or when he has an urgent report to finish, sex will be a no go.
How do you express your desire? Are you expecting him to be a mind reader? “Do you want to come to bed” or “Are you tired tonight? ” may not send a clear enough message. If it feels unromantic to blatantly ask, work out a signal so it’s obvious sex is what you want.
If you feel like your man is a moving target, talk to him. He may have absolutely no idea. Explain what you want to change, rather than focussing on your discontent. Talk about tomorrow, rather than yesterday and suggest positive changes.
Ask what would make sex more appealing. It could be as simple as not initiating so late if he has to get up early, making sure the kids are asleep and the dog’s been put to bed, or making sure you’ve had a shower and brushed your teeth. He may just need time to relax first. Talk tactics so you can start things off in the right way.
Lynda Carlyle
Anxiety Erection Problems
Herald Sun, 2009
“I’m in a new relationship and every time my man and I go to have sex, he loses his erection. What am I doing wrong?”
Firstly, if a new man loses his erection, it generally has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. If you weren’t attractive to him, he wouldn’t be with you.
Men are under immense pressure to perform – from society, his peers and himself. He has to make the right moves, become rock hard on command and maintain his erection for as long as necessary for you to be ecstatically, orgasmically fulfilled.
Everything is hinged on a hard penis. A poor performance impacts on his manhood and opens him up to ridicule if anyone hears about it. He doesn’t know you that well and wants to impress. Sex with a new partner can produce intense feelings of anxiety.
For a start, be sensitive to his feelings. Tell him not to worry about it and mean it. If he senses you feel disappointed, insecure or totally jacked off, chances are that’s not going to help. Suggest a way he pleasure you that’s not dependant on his erection. Who says penetration has to be on the menu today?
If the problem is the distraction of putting on a condom, think about how you can make it less disruptive. Have it open and ready, close by or practice how to put it on with your mouth.
Continue kissing so it doesn’t become the entire focus and make it part of the erotic experience.
Just because he’s not hard doesn’t mean he can’t feel pleasure. Invest in a good lubricant (massage oil will do externally but shouldn’t go inside the body). Dispense with the idea that men like manual stimulation the way you shake a cocktail shaker. Get him to close his eyes and slow things down – I mean SUPER SLOW. Focus on the delicious sensation of getting to know every millimetre of him. You never know what might pop up.
Lynda Carlyle
Arguments Over Mismatched Libido
Herald Sun, 2009
“I am 32 and very much in love with my partner of two years. The only thing we argue about is how often we have sex. What can I do?”
There are useful comparisons between sexual desire & hunger. For a start, be realistic – you’re not going to feel like the same dish as your lover every night. If your partner has a big appetite and you’re not that hungry, you’re going to be full before they are. If they try and force feed you, do you think you’ll ever develop an appetite? Logical when you’re talking about food, but not sex.
It’s hard to negotiate solutions when preferences around frequency don’t match up. It’s one of the most common issues seen by sex therapists.
Unchecked, a toxic “cat & mouse” cycle can develop, and then both partners experience the emotional fallout. Sexual differences are often perceived as a failure in the relationship. In fact, they are inevitable for every couple.
Discussions are often fraught with danger. What do I say? When is a good time? How will he/she react? Sex is a topic like no other, intrinsically linked with self esteem and with the potential to make or break a relationship.
No-one wants to hurt their partner’s feelings. Many don’t ask for what they really want in bed because they feel selfish doing so. It’s a recipe for average sex and low desire.
What can you do? Firstly, make an honest analysis to yourself about what’s really going on. Do you want to want your partner?
If it’s boredom, “you always liked it before” just isn’t going to cut it. If you’re no longer attracted to your partner, acknowledge it. If you’ve started to resent that your partner gets more or less enjoyment out of sex than you do, admit that too.
Be brave. Invest in that discussion; invest in your future. If the conversation doesn’t go well, see a counsellor with specialist sexuality / relationship training. They can help make the negotiation process constructive and safe.
Lynda Carlyle
Love Your Bits
Herald Sun, 2009
“I am really self conscious about my bits. A guy once told me one of my inner lips is longer than the other – I nearly died of embarrassment. Am I abnormal?”
I remember being told that all girls look the same “down there”. It’s like saying we all have a mouth, but, of course no two are exactly alike. Each of us has bits that are individual and unique. I love to compare women’s intimate parts to beautiful and exquisite flowers. Orchids especially inspire my imagination.
Labia minora, or inner lips come in remarkably different shapes, sizes and textures. They frame our vagina like petals, with the outer lips or labia majora enveloping and protecting them. Both sets of lips swell and flush as our arousal heightens.
As with belly buttons, some people have innies and some have outies. By this I mean that sometimes the outer lips completely cover the inner lips, while in other women the inner butterfly wings can be seen. It is natural not to be perfectly symmetrical, as with the rest of our bodies.
Most women judge their appearance by comparing themselves to air-brushed models they see in girlie magazines. Censorship laws impose tighter restrictions if inner lips are showing, creating a situation where an unreal picture is promoted.
The porn industry loves “the perfect clamshell” look and some women succumb to plastic surgery to achieve it. Can you imagine how boring it would be if everyone looked the same? No doubt being a little bit different will come back into fashion.
Look at yourself in a stand alone makeup mirror, with a curious rather than critical eye. Seek out examples of real women – there’s a lovely book called Femalia that shows the variety and gloriousness of the female genitals. And Betty Dodson has done some amazing drawings that feature in her book “Sex for One”.
Love your bits – they’re exclusive, distinctive and special.
Lynda Carlyle
